Veterans Among Heroes in Las Vegas

Photo credits to: Prayitno (Flicker) License: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/legalcode

Teaching psychology in college opens a lot of doors for conversation. After the events in Las Vegas we discussed the aftermath. One of my students had two friends shot at the concert in Las Vegas. As I talked to her you could see the shock in her eyes and the concern for her friends. In Southern California Las Vegas is one of the key places to go for entertainment. Many people in California like to visit "sin city" and let their hair down and have a good time. Las Vegas is known worldwide for its ability to put on good shows, and handle huge crowds that come for the gambling and entertainment. This was not the case a few weeks back when over 2200 descended upon Las Vegas to see a country music festival. These 2200 + concert goers are now cemented in history for being a part of the largest mass shooting in recent American history. No city could prepare for the events of October 1, 2017, not even Las Vegas. It was helpful to the concert goers and Las Vegas that there were a lot of veterans and off duty first responders in attendance or the situation would have been a lot worse.

Veterans continue to be a staple of helping during a crisis, and Las Vegas was another example. According to multiple witnesses some veterans stepped up showed their ability to act heroically and do what it takes to get the job done. During the terrorist attack at the Las Vegas music festival veterans sprang into action and provided help where they could, at times risking their own lives, or the possibility of going to jail. The horrific events in Las Vegas continues to remind us that there's evil everywhere, even in the United States. There were 2 veterans among the 58 killed, one was a veteran who survived a tour in Afghanistan. He is not the first, and probably will not be the last veteran to survive a war to be shot and killed at home. It is bothersome when someone survives a war and is killed at home where he should have been safe.       

All veterans, not just war veterans are trained in first aid and how to handle a stressful situation. Putting skills that were taught in the military to good use, more than likely saved a lot of lives. Veterans and first responders understood the need to provide help quickly and they did in mass. Once the veterans and first responders realized the noise from the shots were not a part of the show, and were actual bullets, they sprang into action, helping where they could. Veterans, first responders, and regular citizens started giving first aid while the shots were still being fired, putting themselves at risk, some people even lost their lives rendering aid to the fallen.   

Knowing what to do and how to handle stressful situations is what saved lives during the attack. Also doing what you “have to do” even if it is illegal, also saved multiple lives. The Veteran who “stole” the truck in Las Vegas to take the injured to the hospital is an example of how veterans think outside the box to make things happen. He took a chance that stealing a truck for a good reason would be ok with the owner, he was right. Thinking quick is a key to saving lives and many veterans have been in stressful situations and know what to do and how to respond when under attack.  

Continuing to serve the community is what many veterans do. Whether it is becoming a volunteer, first responder, police officer, nurse, doctor, or mental health clinician like myself it is done to help the public. If you look at any of the tragic situations that happens, there’s usually a veteran there to help, putting their skills to work and their lives on the line. When a crisis occurs, I can only hope there are veterans around to help, bringing their training to the forefront and saving lives. Veterans are trained to handle stressful situations and usually step up to the challenge when faced with a stressful life changing event. I would like to give a shout out to those veterans and first responders who continue to serve. By acting on their training, skills, and not running from stressful situations, makes us all proud to be veterans.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro. 

Moral Injury, Another Veteran Crisis

William is a Vietnam Veteran in failing health who I met through a veteran’s program. William is starting to look back at his life and starting to prepare himself for his death. Like many Vietnam veterans William is struggling with what he had to do in Vietnam. The unconventional battlefield that started in mass numbers during the Korean uses women and children to carry out some of their attacks, service members have no clue who their enemy is, you just have to follow orders, make judgement calls, and hope for the best.  

When William’s unit entered a village in Vietnam, they were ordered to destroy the village and kill or capture anyone who was there, this included women and children. Military intelligence had informed his commanding officer (CO) that the village was a haven for Viet-Cong and must be destroyed. They completed their mission and proceeded to follow orders to burn the village to the ground and kill all those who refused to surrender, even women and children. What was accepted by his superior’s and his chain of command as following orders is something William would live with the rest of his life. William is starting to look back at his life and wonders how he could go to heaven after killing so many people and breaking his moral code. Thanks to following orders William has spent most of his life self-medicating with drugs and alcohol trying to forget the pain he has had since he was 19 years old. William is not only suffering from PTSD, he is suffering from moral injury.

Moral injury is a relatively new term but the idea is as old as war. The term was first used in the late 1980’s and described as “the psychological burden of killing and the betrayal of leaders. The definition of moral injury is the damage done to one's conscience or moral compass when that person perpetrates, witnesses, or fails to prevent acts that transgress their own moral and ethical values or codes of conduct. Moral Injury is a slow burn that takes time to sink in. It requires a healthy brain that can understand moral reasoning, evaluate behavior, experience empathy, and create a coherent memory narrative. It is a negative self-judgment based on having transgressed core moral beliefs, values or feeling. Many time in war soldiers are placed in high stress situations and are told they must betray there since of “what’s right” to carry out orders given by someone who has the position of legitimate authority.

When we think of what military members go through we look for and expect to hear fear. But what is coming to light is sadness related to loss, but also attributed to bearing witness to evil and human suffering including death you participated in. There is fear in most who have seen combat, but what happens after fear. For some it takes minutes, for others it takes years to feel the sadness or sorrow of forgetting your human morality. Veterans try and suppress their moral injury and some succeed through the use of drugs and alcohol which brings on its own set of issues. Others work hard to support their families and place their morality on the back burner, they are doing what is moral, providing for their family and working. 

A common theme is veterans feel that nothing can prepare you for what war is really like. When they return home to some it feels like they have lost their soul. It not hard to believe when society states, thou shall not kill, military culture states thou better kill, be killed, or suffer the shame of not trying. In today’s wars veterans do not know who their enemies are. Many women and children, including babies have been killed by accident or necessity. Driving past wounded women and children and not stopping to help because of orders, making the decision to shoot civilians because you don’t know who your enemies are, killing families because of one enemy sympathizer, killing someone over anger because they killed or shot your comrade are all breaches of Americans moral code.

In war military members must follow orders without question, and at times those orders shake the soldier’s moral beliefs. There appears to be no end in the breach of moral codes in war. The symptoms of moral injury include shame, survivor guilt, depression, despair, addiction, distrust, anger, a need to make amends and the loss of a desire to live.

Some military leaders reject the idea of moral injury and one leader advised a suicidal soldier to “be an adult” and get over it. In the future, the loss of morality and moral injury is going to explain a big chunk of why veterans suffer as they get older. Some feel moral injury is one of the primary factors in military suicide rates. The key for friends and families is to be on the lookout for moral injury and get them the help they deserve.

Many soldiers who serve in combat reach out to counseling from Chaplains. The same mental health stigma is not attached to talking to the Chaplin as a mental health professional. Also speaking to a Chaplin will not go into their permanent records. They also believe that most therapist do not have knowledge of theological issues such as morality concerning good and evil, or religious meaning. Veterans also believe when they raise moral questions about conscience in therapy they get referred. There is nothing wrong with reaching out to both. There are also clinicians who have been trained in religion and are pastors who are licensed therapist.  

Moral injury is not something that can be cured by medication. The restructuring of their moral identify and meaning is the key. What it takes is the support of caring non-judgmental community who can find a way for veterans to forgive themselves. Our communities need to understand the war does not end when our troops return home, it is just the beginning, just ask the Vietnam Veterans who are still dealing with this issue 40 plus years later. There is hope, in the VA there is funding for a 4-year study on moral injury in Marines. Let’s see where that leads.  

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Is the PTSD Epidemic Society’s Fault?

I was looking through some videos for use in my class and ran across Sabastian Junger, who thinks that the problem with the PTSD epidemic might be society, rather than those with PTSD. What he was saying is plausible if you look at the way our society treats people with mental health issues. We have become so individualistic that veterans do not know who to turn to, so they do not turn to anyone and they try to deal with their PTSD on their own. No one says it aloud, but we do not welcome those with PTSD back into society. People fear them and often try to stay away from them, leaving their families to pick up the pieces. So often people throw money at an issue and think that will fix the problem but it never does.

I am often asked “why was PTSD not an issue after WWII and the Korean war”? That is a good question, and I have a theory. After WWII and Korea, veterans came home and blended back into society, they were accepted because everyone understood, everyone contributed to the war effort and sacrifices were made by all of society. WWII veterans also had time to decompress with their buddies while on the long ship ride home. Whenever a WWII or Korean war veteran did something considered outside the norm of society all that needed to be said was “he was in the war” and the issue was dropped. These veterans were not looked down upon, they were respected and not labeled with a “disability”. So often these veterans were accepted back into society and lived a normal life. That all changed when the troops from the Vietnam War came home.

The Vietnam War was a turning point for America when it comes to wars and society. The Anti-war protesters rallied and called our veterans baby killer.  Our veterans were spit on, and shunned because our society could not, and did not want to understand. Many of the protesters dodged the draft for assorted reasons, so they created a hostile environment for our Vietnam veterans to return to.  Since we know PTSD is a constant battle with threat assessment, these protests exacerbated veteran’s PTSD, the veterans felt threatened, as anyone would have, causing them to disconnect from society. This makes it is easy to understand how PTSD could stick around for some veterans.    

In the recent wars, we have had service members go on multiple deployments. Unlike the Vietnam veterans the present veterans are coming home to a hero’s welcome. It often makes you wonder if this is a good thing. I believe the new veterans are treated with respect and looked up to because of the guilt society has about how our Vietnam veterans were treated when they returned. Just like when the Vietnam veterans returned our society continually struggles with divisiveness, hate, and contempt. We are not a unified country and this puts our veterans in a heighted state of threat assessment, intensifying their PTSD. They feel they need to be on guard all the time. I don’t think this is what we fought for, a country that is divided to a point of dysfunction. If the military was as dysfunctional as our society it would cease to exist.      

For many veterans, this type of society is not what we fought for. We miss the camaraderie of our military family. We know that even if we have issues with someone in our military family they will still have our backs. We lose that sense of security when we return to society, we must watch our own backs, feeding into the hypervigilance caused by PTSD. The idea of feeling safe is gone, leaving us to use PTSD as a tool to survive.  What our veterans with PTSD need is connection, understanding, and a purpose. But society will not give them a chance because they are different and society doesn’t understand because they don’t have to.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro. 

Here We Go Again, Talks of Privatizing the VA

As you can tell with some of my writing, I do not love the Veterans Administration (VA) nor do I hate it. I try to accept it for what it is, a huge bureaucratic system that can be difficult to navigate. There are some veterans that love the VA, and some that loathe it. As it stands right now top leaders of the VA and many congressional representatives are moving forward with plans to put more veteran’s medical needs in the hands of private sector healthcare. They are attempting to replace the veteran’s choice program designed to cut wait times for veteran services in areas where the VA was too far away. Where this can be good in rural areas where the VA is hours away, it can be problematic for VA’s and their funding. Privatization of the VA is a slippery slope, generations of veterans will have to live with the decision for the rest of their lives talking about the “good ole VA” and how much they miss it. By placing more funds in private hands, it takes away veterans utilizing the VA, hence cutting the VA’s budget, resulting in less services, producing a death spiral to for the VA. The private healthcare system is not always better, to so many private physicians it’s about money not patient care.   

When greed takes over often what’s best for the patient is not always what takes place in the private sector, veteran will be no different. But what scares me is the possibility of the privatization being worse than the VA itself. The private healthcare system is already overtaxed and some patients have trouble getting an appointment with their primary care provider. There is a shortage of primary care providers because the money is in specialization medication, not being a primary care provider. I have a very close friend who was the Director in a major hospital system in southern California, and what I learned from him is, private hospitals can be as bad if not worse than the VA. He quit a six-figure job because he could not ethically deal with the greed of some doctors and what they were doing for money to some of the patients. The acts the doctors took were legal, but lacked ethics and compassion.

One of the biggest fears I hear from veterans is private doctors do not understand Veterans issues. According to a VA official discussing privatization before congress, the private care physicians under the new program will not be required to complete or attend veteran specific training concerning veterans only issues. Studies have shown that veterans get far better care from healthcare professionals who have veteran centered expertise. Physicians in the civilian sector might not understand how Agent Orange, Gulf War Syndrome, Burn Pits, suicidal thoughts, PTSD, or trouble adjusting to civilian live can affect a veteran’s symptoms and miss something big.  

One of the biggest complaints I hear from veterans is the VA uses interns and physician’s assistants to work with veterans. This is true, but private hospitals use interns and PA’s too, because they can pay them less and make a larger profit. Physicians assistants and interns are not the problem at the VA; the problem lies with the number of veterans the VA must handle. After 16 years of war, the success of battlefield medicine, the competency of corpsman, field hospitals, and improved evacuation skills, more veterans are surviving their wounds. If the VA must be privatized, the best way can be utilizing veterans who understand veteran’s issues and culture as the providers. The problem is there are not enough medical professionals who are veterans to serve the need. There must be mandatory training for those who were not, or have not, been in the military culture.   

Whether you like the VA or not it appears to me the VA medical system has more pro’s than con’s. As I continually talk to veterans many of them think the privatization of the VA is a bad idea. The veterans I have spoken to want the VA to spend its money and focus on training who they have, hiring more people, build better facilities, and fire those who are not willing to conform, not send them outside the system where physicians decisions are made because of money. As Amy Webb of AMVETS stated to congress “Veterans want the VA to work for them” not be destroyed by a “bleed it dry strategy” of outsourcing and underfunding. It is time veterans who want to maintain the VA as an entity need to stand up to the Trump administration. According to some senators, the Trump VA budget is 6 percent larger than last year’s budget, but 33% of the increase goes to utilizing the private sector while 1.3% goes toward VA care. President Trumps budget includes 13.2 billion dollars in mandatory funding for outside care for veterans. Any way you look at it, you need to let your congressman know where you stand on the issue of privatizing the VA. Please contact them!

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Contact your senators and congressman for comments on privatizing the VA

US Senate    

Dianne Feinstein

11111 Santa Monica Blvd., Suite 915
Los Angeles, CA 90025
Phone: (310) 914-7300

Kamala D. Harris

312 N. Spring St

Suite 1748

Los Angeles, CA 90012

(213) 894-5000

US House of Representatives

 Paul Cook

14955 Dale Evans Parkway

Apple Valley Town Hall

Apple Valley, CA 92307

Families Need to Become Educated About PTSD

I went to a veteran’s event last weekend and sat up a booth trying to promote the free mental health services for veterans and their families. Very few people stop because I am promoting mental health. Countless events I set for hours while people just walk by with no one stopping to talk, a few pick up flyers and keep walking. As I try to engage people I can see their discomfort because no one wants to be seen talking to someone promoting mental health. When I walk away from my booth I am approached by veterans and family members seeking counseling without counseling. Often these conversations are spouses of veterans wanting to know what they can do to get their veteran into counseling or ask questions about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I am always willing to help but these conversations are too complex for a 5-minute sidebar chat in an open area. If answering questions with a sidebar talk could fix the issues or increase understanding of PTSD there wouldn’t be a need for PTSD treatments. As a mental health professional we are successful when we work ourselves out of a job, we all wish the issues concerning PTSD could be solved with a 5- minute discussion, it’s just not that easy.     

It is a well-known fact that a large stigma exists within the military ranks about mental health. Veterans are taught to suck it up and deal with it. Military members are unrealistically expected by society and family members to come home from war and act as if nothing ever happened. In many cases military members see things no human should ever have to see and do things against our moral code. Military members and their families are stuck dealing with the aftermath of necessary wartime actions. The suck it up and deal with it attitude might help in theatre but is not helpful once they arrive home. Military members are asked to give up their family life and families are asked to bear the burden of war. Veterans return from war to a family and society that does not understand the horrors that many of them see. Due to the mental health stigma many veterans will not seek help for fear of being labeled crazy by the military, society or their family. The mental health stigma in the military is engrained in veterans creating a huge barrier to overcome by both the family member and the veteran.

It is difficult for family members to understand why a veteran will not get help for their mental health issues. As a prior military member and veteran I understand why veterans do not seek mental health help. Family members should understand not getting help has little to do with them. The military culture has a negative view on warriors seeking mental health help. Veterans fear the loss of confidence in them from their peers and the possibilities of losing their careers if they seek psychological help.  This attitude can carry over once a military member becomes a veteran for good reason. Mental health stigma exists in the civilian culture as well, just not as prominent. Veterans worry about their civilian peers, employers, and family members seeing them as weak. This is where the families come in.

Veteran’s spouses and families are key to getting help for PTSD. If you want a veteran to get help for PTSD getting them to do it for their families can work. Often veterans will not do it for themselves but they will do it for someone they care about and love. I have had numerous veterans say they don’t need help but their wives threatened to leave them if they didn’t get the help they feel they don’t need. The help they didn’t need enhanced their relationships making most of them better spouses and citizens. By family members becoming educated on PTSD they can understand the why’s and how’s of PTSD. Education can give family members the power to have the conversation with their loved one. In return the education will help the family members help themselves, leading to a better relationship with their loved one. The efforts taken by family and friends can lead to getting back the happy life they deserve.

Being Married to PTSD or having a loved one with PTSD is a challenge. By becoming knowledgeable about PTSD and why someone reacts the way they do when triggered can help better your relationship. There is a lot of information about PTSD out there, especially the internet, some good some bad. The common theme I see is family members being told what to do about PTSD, but not how to do it. Become educated on how to handle situations, not what to do can help. Having the proper tools and knowing how to do what you are told to do make easier to be Married to PTSD and may save your relationship.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Being Politically Correct is Hard for Home Veterans

I was at a veteran center the other day and a veteran was talking about “haji”.  I began to wonder if the veteran would be considered a racist if he had used the term outside the “safety” of the vet center. Since so many in our society don’t understand that during war we are programmed to use those terms to do our jobs, which undermines the morality we started with, before we went to war, I wanted to discuss this issue here. Every war has its slurs, during Vietnam, one of the terms was “gooks”, and is still used by Vietnam veterans to this day. It happens in every war, it is necessary to mentally survive. Society struggles to understand why veterans bring those terms home with them. The truth is, de-humanizing the enemy is the only way many Soldiers, Sailors, Airman, and Marines can convince themselves it’s acceptable to kill, even during war. Does using these terms make a veteran a racist? That is an interesting question and one that needs to be explored by individuals and society.    

The United States has become so politically correct that comedians can’t even do their shows. It’s understandable that people feel minimized by some of the terms used. But should those who fight in our name be labeled a racist because they did what they had to do to get home?  I can see where the terms are hard for some in society to hear, but the reality is, using these terms are what allowed our veterans to be able to survive their ordeal in a war situation. Should they quit using those derogatory terms for a race of people who tried to kill them? Maybe they should, or should the reason be understood and give them a pass? It’s easier to shoot a “gook” or “haji” than a person. De-humanizing the enemy is important to their survival in theatre.   

There’s no off switch when veterans return home, de-humanizing one’s enemy is the oldest trick in the book and has been used by all governments to create hostility toward the enemy throughout history. Since there are so few veterans in our society, some civilians believe it’s easy to not use these derogatory terms. Psychologically, if it was that easy to de-program yourself once you return home it would have been done. The military doesn’t provide any training on how to de-program veterans when they return to civilian life and that is a problem.

It is difficult to work through the political correctness when trying to integrate back into society. So often veterans struggle because they cannot meet society's requirements. Society has such stringent expectations, and rightly so, about what’s right and wrong to say concerning race, religion, and clothing. If a veteran uses one of these terms it can be labeled hate speech. Is this fair to veterans who have fought for free speech? Our government allowed, even encouraged, these terms to be used in theatre, but veterans can be vilified by society if they use these terms in the wrong place once they return home. There’s no de-humanization switch to turn off.

It is problematic for the military to send military members to war and program them to kill the enemy, then return them to society without taking responsibility for their part of the vet’s struggle to reintegrate.  I have heard multiple times where military veterans have been told their time in war has made them a menace to society. To me this is unconscionable. Civilians need to understand why veterans do what they do and what they had to do. It is not easy putting the genie back in the bottle. I am not suggesting that we give the veteran a pass to be a jerk. There is a price to be paid when we go to war and veterans should not be the only sector of our population who pays.

Should society give these veterans a pass when using racial slurs against someone who looks like their enemy? This is a question we must ask ourselves. For some veterans, the military has made it difficult to be successful in society because of the lack of any de-programing program. Should we blame the veteran or should we put the blame where it belongs, on the military for not de-programming the veterans who are struggling when returning to society. So, the question is, are veteran’s racist for using certain terms they have been programmed by our government to use to survive? That question is up to each individual and society.   

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Suicide: Not Just for Veterans Anymore

I was approached by one of my students who had received some bad, her friend Emma had committed suicide the day of class. My student, Jan was in the US Army and had become close to Emma because she used to keep her kids while Jan was working. Jan had just talked to Emma 2 days prior and said there was no indication of her thinking about committing suicide. Jan was aware that Emma’s husband Michael had developed PTSD after 2 combat tours, that created an added pressure on their relationship but Jan thought it would blow over. Jan acknowledged that Emma had helped her raise her kids and was like a second mother to them and she worried how Emma’s death would affect her children. Like most military families separated from their biological family Emma was a part of Jan’s military family. Jan had heard about the suicide from another friend through their extensive network. Jan kept trying to call Michael to find what was going on. After multiple calls and panicked messages Michael finally picked the phone up and talked to her. Michael had come home with their 7-year-old daughter and found Emma hanging in the hallway. Jan was concerned about Emma and Michael’s 7-year-old daughter, she was also concerned about what she was going to tell her own children who knew Emma well. We discussed how she could have a conversation about Emma’s death with her own children. Unfortunately, Jan and Emma’s situation is not abnormal. Many military and veteran’s spouses commit suicide because of having to live with the effects of PTSD on their family.    

After multiple deployments, spouses living with someone having PTSD must hold the family together. Studies have shown spouses of active duty and military veterans have a higher rate of suicidal thoughts than their civilian counterparts, especially those who are caregivers and support of the wounded veteran. This is not the first generation of military families to deal with deployments, however, there is no precedence for studying multiple deployments and its effects on families. With the military and Veterans Administration’s (VA) limitations on helping spouses, there’s little help for family members dealing with a loved one having PTSD. The clinicians who work for the military and VA are up to their necks dealing with the active duty and veterans themselves, they must place their emphasis on those in uniform or veterans. They have little if no time for spouses.

There are a lot of military families who do not know anything but wartime, so living in wartime is their normal. It’s not just the spouses of active duty or veterans who suffer from the effects of PTSD, their children struggle also. Recent research has also shown that military connected adolescents also have a higher rate of suicidal thoughts than the civilian counterparts. Being an adolescent is tough, but it is even tougher on those living with someone who has PTSD.  

There are subtle differences between active duty, spouses, and family members living with PTSD. One of the biggest differences is active duty family members fear seeking help, for fear it will hurt their spouse’s careers. Spouses struggle with the stigma associated with mental health just like their veteran loved one. In military and veteran culture seeking mental health help is a sign of weakness so they do not ask any help. Also, families who are still active duty continually struggle with deployments and continually wait for the next time their spouse or parent will deploy to a warzone again.

When our society discuss suicide in our veteran community, we don’t discuss the effects of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) on someone who is married to PTSD like Emma was. Our society is so focused on the 1 active duty and 20 Veteran who commit suicide every day. We don’t pay attention to the spouses and family members who commit suicide because of the issues brought on by living with someone who has PTSD. There must be something done about the family members suicides. The spouses and family members who are thinking about or have committed suicide deserve to be looked at as a cost of war, just like their military / veteran spouses. So often the spouses and family members turn to the government for help with little to no success. They are forced to turn to clinicians in the private sector because of the lack of help by the government who caused their problem. But so often family members believe these clinicians are ill-prepared to hear or understand what is happening in their military and veteran families. There are civilian military veterans and family members who are clinicians, just look for them. Also, many civilian clinicians understand and treat PTSD families daily, give them a chance to help you.

Presently there is no indication that the Department of Defense (DOD) or the VA is tracking the number of military family members who commit suicide. There is also no indication the DOD or VA will start serving family members. That leaves us to look after each other. Also, it is important for family members who are struggling to seek help from the civilian’s if they need help, you can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge. September is suicide awareness month. Remember don’t be scared to ask a loved one or a friend if they are thinking about suicide. You might just save their life! 

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Veterans Need to Utilize Their Best Weapons

I was talking to an officer of a local Veteran Service Organization (VSO) about how the Veterans Administration (VA) operates when it comes to input from veteran’s family members for medical needs. I have been told by several sources that spouses are not allowed into the room with the veteran to see doctors at the VA. The VSO representative informed me that he has not had that problem, his wife attends all his appointments when she comes to the VA with him. Apparently, there are different rules depending on the situation and doctor. I recently was told by a friend that she could not go into the room with her father who suffered from Agent Orange in Vietnam. When her father was called, she got up to go to with him. She was told she couldn’t come in with him. Her father plainly stated, if she doesn’t come neither do I. She was only allowed into his appointment because he insisted. In many cases, it appears spouses and family members can go to appointments at the VA if the veteran insists. It seems the issue is with the veteran not wanting their family member to go into the appointment with them. Veterans often fear being vulnerable in front of their family members, especially when it comes to mental health issues.  

I agree that family members do not need to go with the veteran to their mental health therapy sessions. Veterans might not speak freely with a family member attending. Dealing with mental health issues can be scary for everyone, especially veterans who have the “suck it up and deal with it” attitude. Feeling they are weak is a major concern for many veterans when working through their mental health demons. Many veterans feel shame or guilt about what they had to do while in the combat zone, therapy sessions are not a place for family members.

However, when it comes to seeing the psychiatrist that is a different story. Most psychiatrists do not do talk therapy and only deal with mental health medication. It can be important to have someone who lives with the veteran in the room to help answer questions about the side effects of the medications has on the veteran. Those who live with the veteran see subtle problems many veterans might miss. Family members, especially spouses look at the veteran with a different eye than veterans look at themselves. Often these spouses see the veteran as they navigate their day, family members can notice subtle changes that might be important when dealing with psychotropic medication. By allowing the spouse or family member to talk to the psychiatrist with them it can help the doctor get the whole picture and make the appropriate adjustments to their medication. With medical doctor’s, family members can get information to help the veteran stay on track and do as the doctor orders. Often it comes down to veterans not wanting to be “nagged” because they want to do what they want and not have to follow doctors’ orders. By letting family members come in, it means the veterans must be vulnerable and trust their family members, a tall order for some veterans.

These family members have stuck with their veteran, many have earned the right to hear the story.  Veterans must work through their time in combat. At times the shame, guilt, and breaking of their moral code to survive weighs heavy on them. When veteran’s family members understand the situation, they can help the veteran get their life back. This can allow the veteran to live the happy life they deserve and earned. Leaving the baggage of military service behind can be a struggle for some. For most it can be done with therapy and support of their spouse or family.    

If veterans will let them, families can be a veteran’s biggest allies. Veterans often struggle to break out their most important weapon in their arsenal, their spouse or family members. There is nothing fiercer than a pissed off spouse, mother, father, brother, sister, or grandchild because they feel their loved one is being treated unfairly. Veterans should weaponize their spouses and family members, give them the power of trust, and let them speak up when they feel the need. But to weaponize family member’s veterans must let them into their lives completely, this includes seeing the doctor with them for medical and medication issues even if the VA says no and tries to keep them out. Veterans family members live with them, it is only right we let them into our lives and utilize their weaponry, their insight and knowledge, to help everyone live a happier life they have earned and deserve.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.